What Jordan Wants | A Blog Serial by Jessie G

What Jordan Wants | Chapter 5 | A Blog Serial by Jessie G

February 21, 2021 jessiegin

Chapter 5

Jordan

“I want to stand in your shadow.”

Just because he hadn’t been able to articulate it before didn’t mean he hadn’t thought about what he wanted from Caleb. Sometimes, it was the only thing he could think about, but he never figured out how or when to admit the truth. When things were good, he didn’t want to risk ruining them by admitting to needs he should have been open about before they ever got involved. When things were bad, he could see all the missed opportunities to come clean and hated himself up for not taking the chance.

Instead of being honest, Jordan spent their time together trying to slip into that shadow on his own instead of asking Caleb to put him there. Order him there. Protect him there. Head bowed and mind empty of all but the needs of the man who would be his only light.

“I’m the oldest of my siblings, born when my parents were barely out of high school. They had something to prove to everyone who told them they should give me up and their high expectations for themselves became higher expectations for me. They micromanaged everything I did, had grand celebrations for every little accomplishment, and loudly broadcasted their disappointment at my failures.” Jordan held up a hand when Caleb opened his mouth. “I know that makes them sound like horrible people, but I promise they’re not.”

“Okay.” Caleb hesitated, clearly wanting to add something before finally shaking his head. “You never talk about them, so please continue. I want to understand.”

“When my brother Darius came along, everything changed. There are six years between us and back then, a lot of resentment. The old adage that parents are hardest on their first? Totally true in my family and with each new sibling, the rules eased to the point that the twins were left to raise themselves.” Jordan laughed and shook his head, “No, that’s not quite right. With five mouths to feed, both my parents were working full-time jobs and it fell to me to keep things going at home. All I knew was the way they raised me, but I wasn’t the parent, I was just the mean older brother.”

“You were just a child yourself.”

“Yeah, I was, and it sucked. Especially when the kids would complain to our parents about how tough I was being, and they would tell me to ease up.” Seeing the scowl forming on Caleb’s face had him rushing to add, “They were exhausted, at times barely holding it together and struggling to scrape by. It wasn’t until I graduated college that my father admitted they almost lost the house more than once. He thought he was teaching me about the necessity of preparing for the worst and it was a lesson I took to heart, but it wasn’t the only thing I learned.”

Jordan looked away, ashamed to admit to the resentment that colored most of his young life. “I was so angry at them, Caleb. So angry for so long that I didn’t see them skipping meals so there would be enough food for us kids to eat. Or patching their clothes over and over again while making sure we always had something new to wear. Or… They were constantly sacrificing.”

“That’s part of the job description. Being a parent isn’t easy and it isn’t cheap. It can be thankless and frustrating and will have you taking a good hard look at your life choices.” Caleb considered him for a long moment and finally added, “It’s also the most rewarding thing you can do. Being Malik’s father is my greatest accomplishment, and I wouldn’t trade a second of it for all the money in the world. But becoming his parent taught how selfish I was, whether intentionally or not, that was a huge surprise.”

“You literally save lives every day.”

“I do and it’s the second most rewarding part of my life. But as a man, I was very selfish, self-centered, egotistical…”

“You’re still that,” Jordan was quick to cut in. He loved Caleb beyond measure, would put him up on a pedestal given the chance, but he wasn’t blind.

Caleb laughed softly. “Yeah, I am still all of those things, but I would also stop the world for Malik. Drop everything, give up anything, jump through all the hoops. If that meant skipping a meal or working three jobs, there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do to give him what he needed. On every level, being his father made me a better man.”

“So, then you understand why my parents did what they did.”

“On the whole, sure. But putting all that pressure on you wasn’t right either. You deserved to have a childhood just like your siblings, and I get the impression you’ve been treated like an adult most of your life. You have every right to be angry with them.”

“No, that’s not why I was angry.” While Caleb’s conclusion made sense, he didn’t have all the information and that was on Jordan. He said a lot, probably more than was necessary, but he hadn’t actually answered the original question or explained why he wanted what he wanted.

“It’s not?”

“No, I was angry because all the structure was gone. The rigid rules, the expectations and defined goals, the praise and consequences…all gone.”
Hearing the plaintive note in his own voice made Jordan flinch and he forced himself to take a breath. He didn’t want sympathy because his parents had been too overwhelmed to meet every single one of their growing family’s needs. As an adult, he understood their reasons, regretted his own childish anger, and was now perfectly capable of meeting his own needs.

Or finding a like-minded adult who would see the submissive waiting to come out. His most fervent desire was buried so deep and dark, Jordan never thought he’d be brave enough to let that part of himself out. Then he met Caleb and immediately wanted to bow down to his strength, dominance, and yes, even his selfishness. Except he expected Caleb to just know what he needed, which was unfair, and by not communicating the way he should have, he created an impossible situation.

“Jordan, if you need—”

“I needed rules! Unrelenting structure, demanding expectations, praise—” Jordan closed his eyes, afraid to see Caleb’s reaction as he admitted— “and punishment.”

Caleb didn’t say a word and Jordan’s heart was pounding so hard, he wasn’t sure he would have heard it if he did. So, he just kept going knowing full well his confession would change everything. For better or worse.

“Goals I can meet. A purpose. Someone I can take care of who won’t set me aside when…” someone better comes along. “Someone I can give all these feelings to who…” will keep them and me safe. “I don’t want a father figure or a daddy or a Dom. I want a selfish, self-centered, egotistical doctor who is also the most care, giving, selfless partner anyone could ask for.”

“Jordan, open your eyes and look at me.”

As much as he wanted to, Jordan wasn’t sure he would survive if he got rejected. “Domestic discipline. Do…you know what that means? I didn’t. I was desperately trying to find a way to explain and stumbled upon it by accident. Fuck, this is embarrassing…more embarrassing…but finding out that it’s real and not just me being…broken…was a kind of a relief.”

Yes, he was finally able to articulate what he wanted, why he wanted it, and even how he got to this point, but Jordan was well aware of how needy this made him sound. Caleb already had so much responsibility between work and his son, why the hell would he want a partner who didn’t want to be equal all the time or even most of the time?

“I get that it’s a lot. Probably more than you’d be interested in taking on. Especially because I wasn’t honest from the beginning. It’s just… You’re so naturally dominant that I thought if I just put myself in that place, it would magically happen, and then when it didn’t…”

“You’d get angry at me for not giving you what you want and withdraw into yourself.” An insistent finger tipped his chin up. “Open your eyes, Jordan.”

The order was firm and unyielding, and despite his fears, Jordan complied instantly. At best he expected to see curiosity, at worst revulsion, but what he saw was pride. Caleb was proud of him.

Confused, Jordan asked. “You’re not mad at me for holding that against you, even though you didn’t know?”

“We’re both at fault, baby. You said you saw something in me? Well, I saw something in you. Something that required a lot of serious discussion and trust.”

“I always trusted you, Caleb.”

“You may have wanted to or thought you did, but you have never been able to tell me the truth of what was going on because you didn’t trust me not to reject you.”

“I’m still afraid of that.”

“No, you’re not.”

Jordan would have argued if the answer hadn’t been right there for him to see all along. All he had to do was open his eyes. “You’re really okay with me being like…this.”

“Oh, baby, no, I’m not okay. I’m thrilled with you period. I adore you. I love you.” Caleb offered him one of those cocky smiles he loved so much and added, “And I cannot wait to give you everything you want.”

Until that moment, Jordan hadn’t known it was possible to be terrified and excited at the same time, and now that he did, he couldn’t wait to see what Caleb did next.